The Rabbit Hole
by OutrageousIngeniousBrilliance
Summary: The Rabbit Hole is a deep dark place...that's how I describe my love for you.  An Axel/Saix  one shot.  There are also other pairings.


_Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or Alice in Wonderland._

_The Rabbit Hole_

Did you ever enjoy something so much you wished you could experience it over and over again? I did. It happened when I was very young and I've loved it since. Watching sunsets has been a hobby of mine since then and I wouldn't give it up for just anything.

Never did it occur to me to pair it with ice cream before. I never did pair them together until I gave Roxas ice cream after that first mission we had together. Kind of strange that it's a tradition now.

It wasn't long after that until Xion joined. Roxas, for some reason, liked her. Never did understand why. She looked like Namine and Namine analyzed everything about anyone she saw. It's spooky and downright creepy. Xion isn't like that at all. Nothing in her head is worthwhile, guess that's why I don't particularly like her.

Roxas thinks she is great. I can't wait for him to see Namine. He has to meet her eventually, for everything to work. Bet he'd leave Xion in a heartbeat, at least, in a figurative sense.

I always had the type of missions that make your skin crawl and skin crawling takes time. Getting to the tower on time was difficult. Both of the keybladers were always there before me, unless Xion was having one of her famous meltdowns. Why do they always get easier missions? Not that I'm complaining, I'd rather have a job that contained killing more that just heartless.

Took a seat, just like I always do and the formalities started, just like everyday.

"How was your mission, Axel?" Roxas asked me.

"Like any other mission." Full of dark pools of red blood and whatever flows through heartless veins. Never would I tell them that, they may just question who I am. "How were yours?"

"Same old, capturing hearts all in effort to reach our goal of Kingdom Hearts." Roxas repeats our goal and code that all of the Organization lives by.

"The variety in missions isn't big." Xion points out the obvious, just like always.

"It wouldn't be a goal if the thing to achieve if it is the one thing you want to do." Hmm…story of my life, or at least _his _life.

"Well, I definitely think that collecting hearts and emblems is at the bottom of my list." Roxas laughs. Ha! Maybe Vexen should kidnap him and do some experiments on him. I'd like to see where collecting things stand on his list then.

"In that order? Emblems are completely useless!" Xion exclaims.

"Maybe they just want to keep you busy?" That doesn't sound like the Organization at all.

"Maybe. What kid of missions do you go on, Axel?" Roxas asks. Don't want to answer.

"Normal missions like checking out places." It never occurred to me to not lie to them. What does that say about me?

"Why do they take so much time?" Xion asks. She's probably happy they take so long, more time to spend with Roxy.

I don't call Roxas 'Roxy' anymore unless we're alone. Xion gets jealous, yet not when Demyx says it, where the nickname all started. Demyx tried to give Xion a nickname. Everyone else has a nickname, except Xion, that was created by Demyx. Dem just couldn't find one for her.

"Just a lot of cobwebs." That may be one of the vaguest answers I could have given.

"Don't get stuck in them." Roxas says. I think he was almost genuinely concerned. He really shouldn't be so trusting, especially with Nobodies.

"I don't want to see spiders crawling out of your hair." Fake laugh from all of us, even Xion can be a little funny.

"No, they'd stick out too much." I say. My hair is just too red.

"Just be glad to not have pink hair or something." Xion laughs. That stings a little, especially with Marluxia's death still on my mind.

"Or purple hair." Roxas jokes. That stings a lot, especially since Zexion's death is always on my mind. Not that I ever feel guilty. They both were just people who were interesting to talk to. When I just came to the Organization, I had only three people I could talk to and interestingly, one of them was Zexion.

The sun was gone, leaving us in the dark. Roxas looked like he was going to fall asleep and decided to turn in. As I was leaving, Xion pulled me back.

When I turned to look at her, I didn't see the rage I expected, but a sort of timidness. We, as Nobodies, cannot feel strong emotions like overall happiness or depression. I swear Roxas and Xion can feel more, like Xion's jealous pangs or Roxas' happy laughs.

"What is it?" I ask when she doesn't immediately talk.

"Can I ask you a question, as a friend?" Definitely not what I thought was going to be said.

"Sure, ask away."

"Axel, have you even been in love?" Her voice is so low and I must of heard wrong. After a second I knew I hadn't. It took my whole being to answer her short, if I don't, I'm afraid I may just lose it.

"Yeah, in my past. Why?" Lie. The love never leaves you.

"How did you tell them you loved them?" I didn't. Not like I would ever tell Xion that.

"Just pick a moment when you are alone and comfortable." Even then it may not be your chance.

"Thanks." Xion seemed happier now that I had talked to her. She walks towards the portal and leaves. I stay. Don't like to think about it. 'It' being love. Kind of opens things I'd rather not get into.

Shit, can't close my eyes. Too many memories, never the good memories, only memories of me and _him _and how close we were and are. I won't be able to sleep tonight.

My memories are all jumbled. My somebody's (me before) and mine (me after) are so intertwined that I have a problem differentiating me from me. That probably makes no sense. Nothing ever makes sense to me, except love and death.

Death was easy, fast and nothing special to it. Survive it one and you fee invincible. Feeling invincible isn't all that it's cracked up to be.

You would think that love wouldn't make sense to anyone, but it does to me. Love isn't about happiness, it's all about hurt. Nothing is ever about yourself, only about the other and nothing good ever comes out of it.

Staring into _his _eyes the next day, awaiting for my next mission, I know he doesn't know that I do love him. Loved him in this life, last life, and probably the next one after this.

Makes me happy that his eyes changed. The yellow ones are very different than his green eyes. Easier to differentiate between two same people. The yellow ones are pretty and like when we sat looking at the moon (me looking at him) and I saw the moonlight reflected in his eyes. His green eyes were striking and beautiful.

"Axel?" I start paying attention again. I'm not sure why he talks about the missions, he gives us a sheet with our mission written out. Not that I don't like hearing him talk. He doesn't do that too much.

Know what you're thinking, why would I even possibly have an inkling of interest towards the man with a scar on his face? It started when I was around five years old, my Somebody at least. I know, childhood love, cliché. Isa, Saix's nobody, had an obsession with the moon and my obsession with the sunsets kind of correlated with the time we would sit on our roofs.

Obsessing with something takes a lot of time out of your sleep time, but I always waited for Isa to fall asleep, sometimes it was eleven at night or sometimes it was five in the morning.

Now I don't wait up everyday like I use to. Its only days when we talk, usually after Xion and Roxas have left. Our meetings are always in secret, because of one person: Xigbar.

I can see him eyeing me now. He always does that when I talk to Saix. Saix and I never admitted to the Organization that we knew each other 'before'. Too many questions and we would be suspected of our plan.

The evidence stacked against us has only been noticed by Xigbar. We were only found twenty minutes apart from each other. We talked all the time. We weren't all that secretive. Now we were, after Castle Oblivion.

Dark, awful, pitch-black tunnel isn't where I want to be. I mean, who wants to be in the rafters of a castle with a beast in it? I've been doing this for the past couple of days, but this is just the morning. I go to the village in the afternoon.

Been like that for a long time, always waiting for the afternoon to come. Reminds me when I was in school, watching the clock. Guess not having to go to school was a good thing that came out of dying.

…

Never will understand how Roxas and Xion can like blue ice cream so mush. I used to have it every few days, but now it has become tradition to eat it every day. Wonder if I'll become fat. Can Nobodies become fat? I like sea-salt ice cream, but too much spoils it.

Our goal of Kingdom Hearts draws nearer. Hearts. Hearts!" Xion does a less that close than perfect impression of Xemnas. It couldn't even believe how much Roxas and Xion (Xemnas as well. He's just crazy!) actually believe we will get our hearts back.

At least Demyx has a point in his 'We have hearts' theory, metaphorically at least. We can still feel certain strong emotions. Physically, our hearts aren't there. It's odd to wake up after dying and to look at a hole in your chest and be able to put your hand in it.

Vexen, the asshole, had come up with a cover for us to put over the holes in our chests. He'd always been good about covering things up. His death always brings a smile to my face.

I never did feel guilty about Vexen's death, except looking into Sora's eyes afterwards. So innocent and so much like Roxas'. The judge you and trap your eyes to make you know you did something wrong. I don't need Sora telling me how black my soul is.

It's because they remind me of the way Ven use to look at me. We talked a few times and he would acknowledge me as a friend. One day, not long before I died, he never came back to Radiant Gardens. I'll always wonder what happened to him.

Ven's eyes trapped you and made you reconsider every bad thing you've done. It was torture for me. I wonder if he ever noticed. Probably not since all people with those huge blue eyes (Sora, Roxas, Ventus, Namine, even Xion) believe in the best of people.

That's the opposite of me. Everyone is a suspect until proven otherwise. Saix calls me paranoid. Paranoid has saved our asses a few more times than he'd like to admit.

Anyways, Ven and I had a friendship and when I saw Roxas I couldn't believe it. The funniest thing was watching Xigbar's eyes go wide in an anger that I knew would tear Roxas apart. Roxas wasn't Ven in many ways (Ven knew what he was doing while Roxas is just wishy-washy). I've just always thought I owed it to Ven to make people to feel welcomed; which is how I became friends with Roxas.

Roxas looked tired and soon left, Xion got up as well. She turned to me as I stood up and I leaned against the wall. Xion wanted to talk more about love probably. Isn't this girl talk? Kind of wish Larxene was around so Xion wouldn't ask me anymore questions… except Larx would do her awful, obvious flirting that makes me visibly cringe, it was that much of an impact.

"Axel, can I ask you something?" It's her I-really-shouldn't-be-feeling-this-embarrassed-for-a-Nobody voice. She's stand backish and I wasn't really understanding why she was asking me questions.

"Go ahead."

"You said you've been in love, right?" I nod my head. I don't want to think about it anymore than I have to. "Does getting rejected or losing someone really hurt as much as people say?"

It makes you want to kill yourself. I've never been rejected by someone. Never went out with someone. All I did was avoid relationships so that I could have that one speck of hope that I could be with Isa. No one in our society someone who was willing to hook up and keep it a secret. Losing someone, while losing yourself, I know that all to well.

"It's worst than you could imagine." It's my only answer. Xion looked down. Didn't like my answer, I guess. She walked away.

I stood up, leaned against the wall of the tower again and waited for a minute just like I always do. Soaking up the dark seems appropriate for me. I disappear into a portal (more darkness soaking) and arrive in my room. Nothing much in it, but I got a chair and a bed and a bookshelf.

You're probably wondering why the hell I would like books. The answer is that when you have ample time during the night, you'll want a hobby. Seriously, why was I the only one with Insomnia? The doctor said to my somebody that it was due to guilt (from killing, though he didn't know that).

Demyx's music started at eleven o'clock, just like ever other day. No one liked his music other than me, Xigbar (but that was because Demyx was involved), and Saix (who also has sleeping problems, but wouldn't ever admit to liking music). The notes were zen like, since he only played hard hitting stuff in the morning.

Hearing a portal open on my porch (whish is big enough for two people if you sit on the edges). I go out there to see Saix staring off towards the city below more than the moon.

"What you doing out here?" I ask leaning against the wall (I like leaning against walls, have all my life). Saix doesn't even look at me.

"Luxord got drunk and destroyed my balcony." Sounds like something Luxord would do, but not without getting into a fight with Xigbar.

"Why don't you watch the moon with Xemnas?" Xemnas, the one person I wan to see fucking tortured until he bleeds out. I would pay to hear his screams.

"I just didn't." He's avoiding the subject of Xemnas. I wouldn't want to talk about him either.

Xemnas has Saix wrapped around his little finger. Saix has always been strong in certain areas and really weak in others. Xemnas was Saix's weak spot, as much as I want to never admit it. Never had I wanted to hate someone. I've hate things, but never had I ever wanted to hate people until I met Xemnas.

I can never have Saix. Sitting here, being so close I can touch him makes it more clear every day. He's Xemnas' and the way Xemnas is makes others scared to get near his possessions. That's why I sneak around with his most prized possession (next to Kingdom Hearts that is).

"What's so interesting about the city?" I ask. Saix continues to stare and the city and the horizon. Odd since his obsession was higher than his view.

I've always wanted to live in a city." Saix wanted to be close to the moon. I always wanted to be distant from the sunset. "Wonder why nobody lives there."

"Too much darkness."

"Is that what we are?" He asks. I stay quiet, knowing he knows that we are monsters. What else could we be if we weren't monsters? Saix keeps looking at the moon (me at him). "Xemnas thinks so."

"Does he?" Oh, shit, I should let Saix know I hate Xemnas. He thinks I'm indifferent about our power (heart) hungry boss.

"He's better than you think." No, no he's not. I know he's a very vulgar, awful man that just needs to leave Saix alone. Wonder what it would be like to light him on fire! All I know is that it will be a lot more pleasurable than Vexen's death.

"I know…" that is what you think, but not what I think in the very least. He looks at me, knowing I am lying through my teeth. I wasn't really trying to hide it. Lying is my favorite past time, I could conceal it if I wanted to.

"Xemnas cares about things more than you know. He has a plan." More like an addiction that will never let its hold go. "I want to follow him in his plan."

That statement was harsh in that I could feel my metaphoric heart break into about a billion pieces (that's saying something coming from someone that has only deeper feelings). It was the equivalence of Saix saying 'I love Xemnas'. Give up our plan to follow Xemnas' is not what I want to happen.

There was only one thing that I could help but notice about Saix… he was almost happy. I haven't seen him happy for years and I wasn't about to take that away from him.

I just might be able to let him go if it makes him happy… Isn't that why Lea and Isa never… Shit!... I _am _like him.

If this is what he chooses, then I don't know what I'll do. Our plan has failed and our goal is fucking stupid. Saix knows that, but Xemnas believes, so Saix will follow in line behind him.

"Find out where Xion is going after her missions." Saix says three days later. She hadn't come to the tower after my talk with her. I avoid looking at Saix, who is unaware of the depths of his words, and keep our conversations to a minimal, not that he sees a difference.

I walk towards Xion's room (with permission) to find some clues to where she's at. Roxas stops me as he leaves his room.

"Where do you think Xion has been?" He asks, overly concerned about her where a bouts, as usual. She shouldn't be worried about me getting in the way.

"She'll turn up." I'll track her ass down… same thing. Roxas said some things that sounded like genuine worry and left to receive his mission.

Xion's room was plainer than Roxas' and that's saying something. Didn't know where to start looking so, but I wound up at Castle Oblivion. She'd asked about it a lot when I came back from the scrutinizing eyes of Sora and Zexion's fearful eyes.

Inside I noticed something wrong in the first room. Cards were spread out everywhere. Damn cards were fucking annoying to use. One was separated from the rest: the card for Destiny Islands. Figures that Xion would go to where he considered home, she is his replica after all.

What do I see when I step onto Destiny Islands? Xion.

Who's she with? Riku, not the dumbass replica might I add.

Discussing what? Sora.

And who can also hear this lovely conversation? Roxas.

Well, Xemnas isn't going to be happy that these keybladers know the truth. No one comes to the tower, not that I go, instead choosing to walk out to my balcony. Saix sits there (his balcony was in the process of being rebuilt and was destroyed again) and I considered not telling Saix what I witnessed today.

"What's wrong?" He asks before I can say anything. How could he notice something so small?

"There is nothing wrong."

"I've known you for fifteen years; I know what you're like." Did he watch me that closely? He almost never looks at me.

"Do you now?" I end up telling him everything, just like I knew I was going to. He closes his eyes, exhales, and stays quiet.

"Xemnas is just using them anyways." I don't like thinking about Roxas and Xion like that, but I know that it's the truth.

"He uses everyone." I can just imagine Saix's eyes narrow a little. I'm waiting for him to make an excuse, because that's what I would have done for him.

"I think Xemnas-"

"I think Xemnas is using you as a sex toy." Saix's eyes widen and look at me in shock (disgust). My eyes don't meet his gaze. He looks back to the front of him, knowing it's true.

That was my main reason I hated Xemnas. Hated how Saix would go to that man and be toyed and played with until the early morning hours. Hated how Saix would always have to live with that. Never wanted him to go to that ugly man.

"Is he?" Saix's eyes are closed and his question came out more like a confirmation. Not that I think he would deny something like that. "You sound as if you have a solution."

"Well, the first step is to admit that you have a problem. Past that I don't know." I joke. He doesn't seem impressed, not that I expected him to.

"Did I pass the first step or do you need a full out confession?" He still hasn't looked at me, but from a side glance, he is smiling a small smile.

"It's not TV, so no big blow out confession." Not everyone needs to know (they just know he's Xemnas' lapdog, which could be worse).

Saix doesn't answer. He laughs lowly and leaves through a portal. He leaves me wishing he would leave Xemnas, come to me, and ride into the sunset away from the Organization. No, that would never happen. Saix would leave me and follow him into the darkness, just like he was doing now.

The next day brought me on a mission to the fucked up place of Wonderland. I was trying to figure out what love is like. I decided it was like one big dark place, but there are many dark places. As I walk I mutter some things that could work.

"Maybe a cave? No. Maybe an asshole… no, that's perverted. Maybe a vortex?"

"A rabbit hole…" Some cat that was purple just appeared, startling me. This place was so screwed up I didn't even question why the cat was there, why it was purple, or why it talked. Interesting, why a rabbit hole?

I guess that could work.

Xion and Roxas were at the tower, talking and acting like they always had. It surprised, yet sickened me. Rebelling was soon going to happen and who wanted that?

Xion gets flustered and leaves (I can see the tears and Roxas just doesn't get he said something completely wrong). Saying the right things to girls happens to not be one of my strengths. It wasn't like I talked to them often; they were always huddled together and laughing about nonsense. My world also had a strict upbringing of guys were friends with guys and girls were friends with girls and didn't date until eighteen (worst rule ever). Anyways, I kind of have a love of blue hair (which was only Isa and his way younger brother).

Roxas and I talked for a while about random things to make the time pass by. Who had won the bet between Luxord and Xigbar? Why was Xaldin being so over protective of his spears? Was Demyx really writing a song about Xigbar? Maybe, maybe.

"Don't you just want to punch them sometimes?" The innocence in his eyes just makes me laugh. Why are keybladers so noble? Maybe Roxas wouldn't be so opposed to merging with Sora once he learns how alike they both are, except merging with someone sounds really wrong.

"Sometimes."

It wasn't until later (maybe a day or two) that I realized that Roxas was having dreams about Sora. He kept mumbling about a brown haired boy in red shorts with a basic keyblade. That sounds like innocent little Sora to me.

Since my missions took so much out of me and I might fall asleep around four or five in the morning, I sleep until I have to get up the next day. I am never there when the first people (Xaldin) get their missions, I'm always the last.

Me, Saix, standing, and there is no movement. Saix isn't talking, just staring at me for some reason. I don't want to look at him. He hands me my mission, but puts his hand around mine. We used to do that when we were really young, but not since then. It's unusual for him to do it now.

After finally managing to look into his yes, all I see is him looking at me with no expression. The touch was empty of any feeling.

"Saix?" I question. He looks at me and quickly lets go. Instead of feeling ecstatic, all I could think was if Xemnas did something to him, which was entirely possible. He leaves me with no mission in my hand.

I ended up going to a hotel on some world and crashing with some sleeping pills. Just hope that the Organization doesn't notice. Lying to Xion and Roxas about some vague mission was completely easy and in my element.

As the last one up, Saix just left my mission where he usually would be standing. What was up with him? This kind of thing carried on for a few days. No one seemed to notice this and I wasn't one to point it out.

It wasn't like I didn't look for him. He was obviously avoiding me and doing a damn good job of it. His room, being across from mine, was always empty. I wondered if he was with Xemnas. I didn't like the thought of that one bit. I don't like any though that contains Xemnas, with or without Saix.

Xemnas would leave every so often to go somewhere that none of us knew where he went. Now was one of those times, because Xigbar was stalking Xemnas in attempt to find out where he went. Demyx wrote a song for the occasion, because Xigbar was involved, and it was actually pretty good.

After watching the sunset, I was going to enter Saix's room through a portal and hope he is there. Never less, I didn't get the chance, because Saix was all of a sudden leaning against the railing facing me. I was leaning against the wall, as usually. He looked at me and I knew he had something all planed on what he was going to say. He just couldn't say it.

"Why are you avoiding me?" I speak first and the question no where as subtle as I would like it to be, but I don't want a huge build-up. "Does this have to do with Xemnas?"

"I confronted him on what you said." That's not good by any means. 'Confrontation' and 'Xemnas' should never be near each other. "He went on to say that is how Kingdom Hearts wants us to proceed with our goal."

"_So, _letting Xemnas fuck you is a way of helping us to get hearts so that we can achieve our goal of Kingdom Hearts…" I state slowly, following along.

"Yes." I laugh. It must have struck me as really funny because I actually feel it. Saix is just smiling, never one to really laugh.

"That's screwed up." I say. The absurdity of it all made me forget that Saix didn't answer my question. "So…"

"He told me that the person who got these 'ideas' in my head, like I could think for myself, should not me trusted. He told me to stay away from that person." Saix shifted uncomfortably.

"That's why you avoided me?" That's not a good enough reason.

"No, but it made me think about you." He looked down and looked like he didn't want to admit the next part. "It just made me wonder about one thing that you never made clear."

It's not like I don't know what he's talking about. When the shadows came and were going to kill or Somebodies, Isa was scared. We ran for what seemed like forever and I set a few of them on fire. It wasn't long until they had us cornered.

We both got separated from each other and I was searching for him. More went after him than me and track helped me more than I ever thought it would. It was when I was going back to the main road of the deserted city (I assumed most of them had died) that I found him.

Isa was on the ground fighting some heartless that came out of nowhere. I called is name and tied to get some of the strange creatures off of him. They were creeping out of everywhere. He knew I was there, I think.

The sound of his neck being snapped in two still rings in my head. I could see the lush in their eyes as they ripped open his chest and found his heart. Does Saix know I saw that or that is the way he died?

"What?" I feign stupidity.

"Why try to help me? I didn't expect to wake up as I am now and I especially didn't expect to wake up in the middle of a street on some world next to you." I love you… not that I would ever say that to him. He's not going to like my answer.

"I don't want to live in a world that doesn't have _you _in it." It's true, I killed myself. When the heartless came for me, I didn't fight them. I let them take over my body and watched them tear my heart out, not even bothering to kill me first. My thinking was that where ever they took Isa they would take me as well. It worked.

"You asshole." Saix cursed at me and probably thought in pure profanity at me. Just hope that he takes my answer as a sign of friendship and not a declaration of love. Saix leaves me to my thoughts.

The next day had me running into Roxas. He said Xion was acting weird and was hoping to talk to her. Xion was probably avoiding him. Her feelings were probably overwhelming her. She might just collapse from it. That would get rid of her for a few days…

Roxas was overly worried about her and I didn't really want him to worry, so I said I would help look for her after my mission. That seemed to put him at ease. Help look for her, kill her, it was all the same.

Saix was actually there to give me my mission. Some of the Organization was there this time. Some noise (Xemnas being angry and making a mini earthquake) woke us all up at the ungodly hour of six in the morning. His hand was still on mine for a least a second more than what was necessary. No one noticed.

After some gruesome sights of villagers after they had been flambéed, the last thing I wanted to do was talk to Xion alone again. It would just be awkward, but obviously she is just throwing her feelings around like a child and someone needs to tell her to stop. She was in one of the upper hallways of the castle, the ones that no one ever goes in.

"Alone? Don't you know that one is safe walking alone?" I ask her. She looks at me. "Are you going to tell me why you're acting weird?"

"Who says I'm acting weird?" The only person who truly likes you. I don't say that.

"Roxas." She winces at the name. I'm tired of her playing such obvious games. If she's going to do that, well, might as well give her one big shove.

"Oh, he must be wrong. I'm fine." No, she's not. Love is too crazy to just be 'fine'.

"You know what? Maybe you should just tell him you love him. He's obviously not getting it and your 'techniques' are so obvious it's gaudy." She's just shocked and flustered. Xion just stands there and can't speak; this must be way too overwhelming for her circuts.

"I don't like Roxas!" Is she screaming at me? She really is throwing her feelings around.

"No, you love him." These are the times I'm glad I have no emotions. I can't get angry, only cool, calm, and collected. "Stop denying it and tell him before its too late." It'll be too late when Sora finds out about Roxas. It won't be a secret forever.

"I don't-" I take her shoulders and start walking towards a portal I opened. She struggles a bit and I know this isn't the best solution. "What are you doing?" I grin one of my famous grins.

"Give you a little shove." I've obviously stronger than weak little Xion and I shove her into the portal in which Roxas is on the other side, completely not excepting her. I think I did my good deed for the day and now I should do something like burn a village, to counteract it.

Later, when I'm in my room, reading some awful physics book and listening to Demyx's soft music, Roxas walks into my room. He didn't look shocked, so maybe he was aware Xion like him.

"Xion says you shoved her into a portal just for her to apologize to me for her strange acting." Xion, I fucking hate you more than I ever did. Just say it. Okay, I understand I'm being a little hypocritical, but Roxas would probably not get it or be thrilled. "Did you push her around?" Obviously her words.

"No, I gave her some advice and she just wanted to run away." Vague answers again.

"Are you sure? She looked sad." At least someone cares about her. Maybe they could be good together. If it doesn't work out, well I'll have Roxas to myself and maybe Xion swill just disappear or kill herself.

"Of course, she'll be fine." Roxas nods and we talk for a while about nothing in particular. I wonder if he can see that I'm fuming due to Xion's damn stupidity. Too much pint up anger isn't good.

Xion overslept and saw me in the hallways before I received my mission. She almost glared at me and I wondered what I did. She was the one who failed to take my non-subtle advice. It would have worked too.

"You are a liar." I say. That's hypocritical, but I do say it and anger slowly builds in her little mind and head.

"I'm not! You were just pushing me into confessing feelings I don't have!" She's yelling at me, again.

"It's written all over your face. Tell him, trust me, it'll be better for the both of you." Roxas would accept it. Xion's face is getting red and it makes me want to laugh. We walked into the gray room, with someone just portaling out, leaving Xion, Saix, and me. Saix addresses Xion first.

"The Superior wants you to stay here until he is free to talk to you." Xion just looks at Saix and sighs. Saix chooses to ignore her and turn to me. Xion sits on the couch and I know she is watching me.

"There are…" Saix eyes Xion. "_dark things _in the city of Neverland." That is probably the most obvious cover up he could think of. My mission was what I was good at. Just glad that Xion doesn't understand that I'm going to go murder some of the residents of Neverland.

Saix isn't really looking at me directing, but he does hand me my missions with a little more time than he should. Xion's eyes widen and I curse her out in my head. I'm still unsure what Saix is getting at by holding my hand for no real reason. I portal out a fast as fast as I can to go along with my mission.

Had trouble tracking some of the people down, so I was quite late to the tower. Roxas and Xion greeted me. I spent half my time looking at Roxas' laugh. That emotion couldn't be faked. We all soon were leaving, but no surprise that Xion held me back, a smirk plastered on her face.

"So, Axel." She starts off slow. I lean against the wall, for comfort. "Just tell him, so that your both put of misery." I guess I kind of deserve it, but Xion doesn't have the whole story to really say anything.

"Xion, my care is very different." It didn't occur to me to deny it. Xion is failing at her purpose for Organization, she won't last long.

"How? It can't be. Your scared!" She's saying this to me? She is completely wrong on so many levels.

"There's a difference. The major one being that Roxas isn't in love with someone else. Roxas would happily accept anything you give him." Xion gaped at me and just looked dumbstruck or just dumb.

"So does that mean you love Roxas?" Where did she ever get that idea? I never said that.

"No, why would I?" Xion just looked down, completely embarrassed, just like she should be.

"You said you loved someone other than Saix and I know your close with Roxas and all that and I just thought that may be why you can't love Saix and I understand that way of not being loved." That's a laugh.

"You don't know anything." I laugh, she glares. "You have no idea what if feels like. As for what's going on: You love Roxas, Roxas loves no one, I love Saix, and Saix love Xemnas. Do you get it now?" How does she not get this?

"Oh…" She got quiet. "You're wrong. I know what it's like not to be loved by that one person. I've spent every day in the last two months trying so hard." Xion keeps going on about poor lil Xion and her misadventures of love and it's full of suffering. Is this suppose to make me feel sorry for her or something, because it's definitely not making me feel anything, just a hint of agitation.

"You don't know anything." I say again. Only two months? Try eight years. Her times going to be up soon, anyways. Sora is soon going to wake up. Xion resembles him ore everyday. I'm just glad she doesn't resemble Ven anymore. If she had his eyes, I would've thought twice before treating her so bad.

I walked away, leaving Xion speechless and me just feeling a little sadistic about how bad of an emotional state I put Xion in. It brought a smile to my face. I found Saix on my balcony, obviously waiting for me.

"He." I sit as well, but towards my wall instead of the city. He looks at me and then back at the moon. I watch his hand, but it isn't moving, which is good. "What happened to your balcony?"

"Do you not want me to be here?" No, just the opposite.

"That's not it." My voice is softer than usual and I have no idea why.

"Something about testing out a catapult and destroying all the balconies on the right side of the castle. Why do we live with these idiots, again? "It'll probably stop for a while since Xigbar is now threatening everyone since his room was destroyed."

"Great, that means Xigbar is going to try and shoot down people whenever he wants." Luckily I had my ceiling Xigbar proofed, so he can't shoot me while I'm sleeping. Didn't know why Zexion warned me when I first came to the Organization to get my ceiling Xigbar proofed. It wasn't a week later when Lexaeus found his bed full of bullet holes that I understood.

"It won't be so bad, we've lived through it before." I look down, trying not to feel so awkward. This whole thing was awkward and there was only one question I wanted answered.

"You can only say that because you've never been a target." Xigbar hated Saix. Why hasn't Xigbar tried to shoot Saix? He kind of likes me, except the suspicion of Castle Oblivion, and he shoots at me all the time.

Just like that Saix is putting his hand over mine while looking straight into the city. I don't pull away. Why would I ever do that? Something is wrong here, I know it.

"Why?" I ask him. No going back and another potential at being too straightforward. I'm not good at being straightforward. I'm too subtle for my own good.

"Why what?" Why what! He's not taking that route is he? He should play dumb.

Instead of answering him I decide to just lay my eyes on his hand. He follows my gaze and as if embarrassed, turns his head the other way and removes his hand as quickly as he can.

"Didn't even notice." How can you not notice something like that?

"Saix." He's not telling the truth, obviously, so I must pull it out him. "Something happened with Xemnas, didn't it?" Saix closes his eyes and I hear the sigh of defeat.

"Confronted him on something and he said some things that just made me rethink some things." And I though _I _could do vague.

"Am I one of those 'things'?" He doesn't look at me, but his eyes are testing on my side.

"Part of it." Am I going to have to drag this out of him?

"What about it?" His eyes are looking everywhere and nowhere.

"Just how I view you." This conversation is creeping along and if it goes any slower I might just jump off this balcony. I just want to strangle the answer out of Saix.

"How do you view me now?" Saix had given up looking at me and was now focusing on the moon. It's as if he is embarrassed, but that would be impossible.

"I don't really know." His hand is back on mine and I feel the pressure flatten my hand as he leans towards me. I've always thought I'd be the one to make the first move (not that I ever would at the pace I was going). There was only one option left: kiss him back. It wasn't like I wasn't going to kiss him back; the opportunity was there, so I took it.

Saix pulled back, fast, and I look to see why he did. Was that shock in his eyes? He was just staring at me and I wondered what he saw in my eyes. Were they controlled and black or controlled and loving? Why would I think they were option two? I waited for him to talk first.

"Just like that?" He said in disbelief. I'm the one who should be in disbelief. "You don't even think about it first?"

"I've thought about it enough." One hell of a confession is coming up and I feel like walking away from this perfect night before it gets fucked up.

"How long is enough?" There's a hint of anger in his voice.

"Eight years, give or take a few."

"And you never told me!" There was a lot of anger in his voice.

"Sorry." Didn't really mean it. Just like that I was kissing him again and he was kissing back and it was more surreal than I could ever imagine. I guess that's why it ended that way that it did.

"Saix." We broke apart as fast as we could at the sound of Xemnas' voice. Xemnas looked like was about to blow his top. I glanced at Saix who might just look a little shocked but was silently screaming. "Saix! What the fuck is going-"

Saix takes me over the balcony and through a portal he summoned all of a sudden. He closes the portal as fast as he can. We're on some roof top in the City That Never Was. Saix still is silently screaming and is closing his eyes. Hell, I'm going to do something drastic. I start walking away.

"Where are you going?" Saix asks. I turn around hoping he won't change my mind like he usually does.

"Go be with Xemnas." My words weren't supposed to be as harsh as it sounded.

"What?" He spats out the word.

"You only had a small argument with the one person who ever made you happy. I would never understand why you would think about running away and rethink everything, but don't pass up an opportunity to find happiness." I sound like some Hallmark card and I feel worse than I thought possible. One taste and I'm damned to the Devil, or something like that.

"You make me happy." Saix says quietly. I sigh.

"Not like him." I want to be the one who makes him happy, but I'm not. "You love him." I close my eyes, hold everything in, and start walking away.

"What are you going to do?" Saix is right next to me. Actual worry, not that I can take that.

"Like I said, I don't want to live in a world that doesn't have you in it." Saix's eyes widen.

"No…No!" Realization hits Saix as he grabs my arm. Suicide is not the answer!"

"It is for this." Saix is hurt and I can't remember the last time his eyes were tearing up. I hug him in the same way I always had. I walk away hoping he is happy in the end.

My next plan is to find a way to wipe my heartbroken heartless shell of a life off this goddamn universe. A thought came to me that involved a false crazy devotion of love for Roxas, Xion dying, and a way to see Sora again.

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